Can Your Team Tell You the Truth?
Why people soften bad news — and what it’s costing you as a leader
Last month, I facilitated a team offsite. During one of the breaks, a director confided in me about a frustration that had been brewing with her boss, the EVP.
Apparently, the EVP frequently reached down into the organization for information regarding product issues affecting revenue. As a result, team members have been going directly to the EVP with concerns and decisions, bypassing the director altogether. Now, the director feels marginalized, discouraged, and out of the loop on things happening in her own department.
So I asked what seemed like the obvious question: Have you told your boss how this is affecting you and your peers? She looked at me like I was nuts and said, Not happening!
It turns out that she wasn't concerned about being fired or demoted. Rather (and much more troubling), she was afraid of how her boss would react during the first few seconds after bringing this up.
As I eventually learned from several other team members, this EVP has whatever the opposite is of a “poker face.”
When she receives news — especially bad news — her nonverbal cues are easy to read: Flashes of disappointment. Defensive body language. Even, occasionally, expressions that seem frighteningly close to rage.
Whether these things are the EVP's intention or not, it doesn’t really matter. Over time, people anticipate her reactions and adjust their behavior accordingly.
And that's when I realized something important: Most leaders don't have a truth problem. They have a reaction problem.
Why It Matters
In practice, people don't stop telling leaders the truth altogether. Instead, they provide incomplete information, soften tough messages, or conveniently postpone revealing dicey news for a “better time.” The information gets shared, but much later than it should and in a watered down way.
This is a problem because the little issues that nobody brings to your attention don't magically go away; in fact, they often get bigger. They become team conflicts, customer complaints, missed deadlines, turnover, and performance problems. And because nobody wanted to bring them to you when they were small, you're left dealing with them when they're expensive, messy, and much harder to fix.
The other problem is that you're making decisions with incomplete information. You think you're seeing the whole picture, but you're actually seeing the version of the picture that people feel safe showing you. If your team is filtering what they tell you, you're basically leading in the dark.
And finally, it’s not just problems your people stop bringing. They stop bringing ideas, challenges, and alternative perspectives, having learned that any one of these can lead to your unpredictable reaction. The people who care the most may keep trying for a while, but eventually they’re likely to disengage or leave. When that happens, the surprised leader asks, “Why didn't anyone tell me?”
The irony is that many leaders who finally receive feedback about their unpredictability or tendency to overreact are the ones who value honesty and transparency the most. And while their intentions may be good, their impact doesn't always align with those intentions. Those who work with and for them have no way of knowing which version of them will show up on any given day.
What Can Leaders Do?
As humans — and leaders in particular — we often have trouble knowing what motivates us and recognizing how we are seen by others. It’s one of the reasons I find tools like the Enneagram, 360 feedback, and the EQ-i so valuable.
The Enneagram helps us understand our default patterns, especially under stress. Some types express frustration quickly, while others become anxious. Some withdraw, while others become more forceful and direct. None of these patterns is inherently good or bad. But being aware of our tendencies helps us interact more effectively.
360 feedback can offer a useful reality check. While the Enneagram helps us understand our motivations, multi-rater feedback helps us understand how others experience us. It almost always reveals blind spots that even the most self-aware leader can miss.
The EQ-i adds yet another important lens by helping leaders explore skills such as emotional self-awareness, emotional expression, empathy, stress tolerance, and impulse control.
Other things to consider…
Observe Your Patterns
The goal is to become more aware of the emotional patterns that bubble up when the stakes are high, and to understand how those behaviors affect others. Consider your answers to these questions:
What happens in the first 30 seconds after someone brings me bad news?
What does my face, tone, or body language communicate when I'm frustrated, disappointed, or surprised?
Do people bring concerns to me early?
Am I as focused on the other person's experience as I am on solving the problem?
Pause Before Reacting
In moments of stress, the simple practice of pausing can make a significant difference.
When someone brings you difficult information, resist the urge to immediately solve, judge, defend, or respond. Get curious first by saying or asking:
Tell me more.
Help me understand what happened.
What are you most concerned about?
What do you need from me right now?
This curiosity creates space for dialogue and helps people feel heard before any problem-solving begins.
Ask For Feedback
If you suspect the EVP I described above could be you, find out! One of the best ways to uncover this type of blind spot is to ask about it directly. Consider consulting a few trusted colleagues: “What do you notice about me when I’m under pressure or getting challenging news?”
You may not love everything you hear, but bearing discomfort to uncover the truth is invaluable. Most leaders know what they are thinking in the most challenging moments — but they are often unaware of what others are seeing. So take the risk and find out.
The Gift of Knowing
One question I often leave leaders with is this:
When someone on your team discovers a significant problem, what is their first thought?
Is it, "I need to tell her right away” or "I need to figure out how to tell her." The answer may tell you more about your leadership impact than you realize.
The more understanding you have about your patterns, the more choice you have in how you show up for others, especially when under pressure. That increases the likelihood of people bringing you the unvarnished truth sooner.
And for any leader, that's a gift.