Raise Your Emotional Intelligence
In my family, Thanksgiving has always been “game time.” My husband and I each have five siblings and for 25 years, we hosted a big (HUGE!) Thanksgiving dinner at our house.
The number kept expanding with new nieces, nephews, and in-laws until, with our recent downsizing, we were no longer able to host the entire fam squad. I miss those days and have vivid memories of them — they were wonderfully chaotic.
When I think back to what allowed us to navigate the many challenges and pull it off each year, I’m reminded that when coping with mounting pressure, whether in our personal or professional lives, it’s important to lean on our EQ skills (Emotional Intelligence Quotient).
EQ is all about the skills that help us understand and control our own feelings and those of the people around us. They are important for good communication, getting along well with others, and being a strong leader.
At Thrive, we use the EQ-i leadership self-assessment as a tool to help leaders get/see their baseline level of EQ skills. There are 15 of these; the subscales of flexibility, stress tolerance (coping), and optimism are the three traits that describe how leaders deal with stress.
#1. Flexibility
You can’t bring 25 people together for Thanksgiving dinner without making compromises. Maybe a key ingredient was left out of a dish. Maybe there is disagreement about when to eat. Maybe somebody’s mother (I am speaking hypothetically here) insists on using Hellmann’s mayonnaise in the coleslaw instead of the healthier, safflower one.
In organizations, effective leaders also must remain flexible. This doesn’t mean winging it; it means being receptive to having core beliefs challenged and remaining open to new ways of doing things.
For example, the pandemic raised many questions about how work gets done. Some companies have remained completely virtual; others have created (and continue to experiment with) hybrid models. Leaders who are overly attached to a certain way of doing things can miss opportunities and demotivate staff.
Ideas for building flexibility and breaking from our routines:
As you go through your day, ask yourself: “What’s a better way to accomplish this?"
Look through a new lens. Try a new dish or restaurant, read a different kind of book than you normally choose, take a new route to work, listen to a new podcast.
Engage your curiosity. When faced with a challenge, try to remain calm, ask questions, and hear others’ ideas through. Resist the urge to “get to the answer.”
Flexibility is like a muscle. It needs training and ongoing use to stay strong.
#2. Stress Tolerance
During Thanksgiving at my house, I would sometimes feel my temperature rising if things started to go sideways: a family arriving 45 minutes early just as we were taking that giant (messy) turkey out of the oven; the occasional dinner critique from a sibling; me being elected carver, again (it’s not a strength).
My go-to strategy was to inject a healthy dose of humor. If all else failed, I would find an excuse to get something out of the garage fridge, just to give myself a minute to regroup. Whatever the tactic, what mattered was recognizing how I was feeling and taking deliberate steps to relieve the mounting pressure — steps I had developed BEFORE needing them.
Many of us have witnessed leaders who cannot handle the inevitable curveball or bad news without exploding or displaying some other type of regrettable behavior. Work pressures are exacerbated when there are no signs of relief. But relief doesn’t just happen — it has to be built in. Some suggestions…
Know your triggers. A racing heart, red face, clenched jaw? What are your tells?
Name the emotion. Putting words to triggers builds self-awareness and can help you pause.
Take a break. Go for a short walk and get some fresh air.
Give yourself a “time out.” Temporarily disengage from your thoughts and feelings.
Take three deep breaths or count slowly to 10. Let your brain know that “danger” has been averted.
Not every tactic works for everyone or in all situations. Develop a conscious awareness of what works best for you.
#3. Optimism
Even when the unexpected Thanksgiving snafu (inevitably) happened, we had faith we’d pull off a winner dinner, with or without the sweet potatoes a guest had forgotten back home. And why not? We had done it many times before.
In my work with leadership teams, especially in these times of chaos and rapid change, the need for optimism — the ability to remain hopeful and resilient despite setbacks — is especially high.
But I understand. When the stock price plummets, or the clinical trial outcomes are disappointing, it can be hard to feel that hope. On those days, it is more important than ever to acknowledge the challenges while still showing your team that a good future is possible and that they have some agency to recover. Nothing makes people feel more hopeless than a pessimist who throws up their hands and declares each and every setback a permanent disaster.
The good news is that habits of thinking can change — we can choose our perspective:
Celebrate successes and milestones as they happen. This will help you remember all you achieved in the past, so you can look back on these in tough times.
Reframe your thinking. Nip feelings of self-criticism or helplessness in the bud. Speak to yourself with a more encouraging viewpoint.
Look for balance. Playing Devil’s advocate can be helpful. Just make sure you are pairing this with an equal dose of best-case thinking.
Find gratitude. Make a list of what you are thankful for. Consider a Gratitude Journal where you record three things each day that you can appreciate.
Try not to take things personally. We are all doing the best we can.
Expect the Unexpected
We can’t control the world. Whether hosting a holiday dinner or managing a company or division, the challenges are always going to show up.
What we can control is our self-awareness and the ways in which we respond to the inevitable monkey wrenches that life brings.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving (hiding in the garage, optional).