Why Are You Hitting Yourself?

If, like me, you grew up in a house full of siblings, you may recall a (mostly) good-natured game in which one child grabs the arm of another and uses it to hit that person with their own hand, all the while saying, “Why are you hitting yourself?”

The “joke,” of course, is that nobody would intentionally and repeatedly hit themself with their own hand. And yet, that’s more or less what we are doing when we get in our way by running old patterns of behavior.

The Perfectionist Boss

Consider the example of my client Martin. As an Enneagram One, he was terrified of making mistakes. This caused him to be hyper-focused and thorough in everything he did.

His natural orientation to excellence had many positive benefits. His CEO was thrilled with the enhancements Martin and his team made in creating efficiencies and his ability to improve processes and systems was remarkable.

But… his directive approach was stifling the efforts of the very talented people on his team. He held the reigns so tightly that others could not breathe; they perceived his leadership style as overly critical and exhausting.

Ironically, the more Martin pushed and directed people, the less he got what he wanted — he was hitting himself with his own hand.

Fortunately, by helping Martin see how his natural patterns were impacting the people around him, over time, he was able to raise his awareness and make positive changes.

A Shortcut to Improvement

Awareness of your own Enneagram type gives you information about your natural patterns (often for the first time). It’s a shortcut — a way of identifying your common habits, communication tendencies, triggers, strengths, and derailers. All of this is a goldmine for understanding how to get out of your own way.

The good news is that once you SEE the pattern, you can CHANGE the pattern. As you begin to understand its underlying motivations, you can intentionally choose to run the pattern or find a healthier approach.

Identifying our respective Enneagram types can feel exposing and vulnerable (especially at work). But again, that’s good news. It is quite freeing and makes your development exploration more efficient.

It also helps us see how other people are running their own unconscious patterns. Compassion for others is a common side effect of learning the Enneagram.

Become a Better Leader

I’ve coached hundreds of leaders and taught the Enneagram to almost all of them. When leaders understand how they come across and what is actually motivating their behavior, they engage people differently… dare I say, better.

Once you understand that not everyone sees the world as you do (we think we know this but we really don’t), you show up differently. You are easier to work with. You increase the chances of really communicating with people and understanding where they are coming from.

When you work on a team that goes through the Enneagram together, the learnings are magnified. People better understand what is motivating their coworkers or what might be troubling or triggering to each person. That allows for responses that are more likely to align with what we each need and appreciate.

What to Do

Catch it!

Work intentionally to come off autopilot. This means seeing what motivates your own behavior.

And don’t worry. The Enneagram is not meant to put you in a neat box that prescribes how you will behave. On the contrary, it is a wake-up call to see the patterns and choose freely and consciously.

Observe it!!

Ask yourself, “Why am I doing X?” Examples include drawing attention to yourself, critiquing someone’s work, or focusing on what might go wrong.

Do this without judgment — just ask an openminded question. Completing this step successfully creates an entirely new lane.

In my case, once I landed on Enneagram type Two (which I did kicking and screaming!), I saw how often I asked for things indirectly since I did not feel okay expressing my needs.

Stop it!!!

You don’t have to keep hitting yourself.

As a type Two, you can stop holding up the line at Starbucks by trying to make friends with every barista (okay, that’s me again).

As a type One, you can bite your tongue and not offer the criticism that might make you feel better in the moment but will not advance the situation.

We Have Choices

Work can be all-consuming. It’s hard enough without following unconscious behavior patterns that cause us to continually get off track.

By knowing and understanding our respective Enneagram types, we widen our lens, increase our perspective, and succeed better and faster as leaders!