Don’t Get Triggered

We lived on a farm for 17 years. It was a wonderful place for our kids to grow up and I enjoyed every day of it. However, there was one downside — uninvited wildlife in the house. Most times it was something small and not too scary, like a field mouse or a trapped bird. Occasionally, though, we were not so lucky.

When my youngest son, Scott, graduated from high school, we had a big party to celebrate. Big enough that we had to store much of the food in the fridge that lived in the dreaded, unfinished part of the basement.

On the day of the party, I went downstairs to bring up a colossal sheet cake. But as I balanced the cake in one arm and shut the fridge door with the other, a big black snake slithered out from below and darted right between my feet.

I take great pride in having not dropped the cake, although I think they heard me scream from the PA Turnpike!

What is “Triggering?”

Snakes are on the short list of things that set off alarm bells in humans. Others include loud noises, rapidly approaching objects, and angry voices.Whatever the specific cause, triggers occur when we sense danger, and lead to unconscious, automatic reactions.

From an evolutionary perspective, triggers are a good thing. They prompt us to act if we need to get out of the way of a speeding car or pouncing tiger. It’s no wonder the word emotion comes from the Latin word “emovere,” which means to move.

But triggers are less advantageous when they occur in response to non-life-threatening events, such as when Emily from marketing takes credit for our idea. In that case, we may still act quickly and automatically, often later regretting what we said or did in that red hot moment.

Unfortunately, our emotional brains are not so good at discerning high-threat from no-threat situations. Any interaction has the potential to trigger us: criticism, harsh feedback, perceived rudeness, etc. We are particularly vulnerable to being triggered when we are under high levels of stress, taxed from not enough sleep, or feeling hungry.

Triggering events don’t necessarily even need to be rational; they can be the result of unresolved old business that we have internalized. For example, someone ignores us when we pass in the hallway and we have the same emotional reaction we did when we got picked last in volleyball (speaking for a friend).

Being triggered isn’t dysfunctional, but our reaction to things that trigger us can be. When triggered, we are not using our higher-level thinking. Rather, we often react hastily and lose some of our objectivity as our rational brain goes offline temporarily and we deal with the perceived danger.

What to Do About it

Without tools, we are at the mercy of triggers — often without even knowing what is happening. Fortunately, and thanks to our brain’s “neuroplasticity,” we can change old patterns. Some suggestions…

Name Your Triggers

By making a list of our familiar, often-repeated triggers,we can teach ourselves to be on the lookout for them.If we feel our palms dampen and our pulse quicken whenever that pesky Emily speaks up in a meeting, we can recognize and practice knowing this emotion.

Again, our triggers may be the result of long-ago experiences. In his book,Triggers, psychotherapist David Richo shares, "…there is a connection between our triggers and what we need to work on in ourselves." He suggests that when we’re triggered we can ask,“What part of my reaction is about what happened, and what part is trigger energythat is activated by an unmet need or an early life issue?”

Prepare For Your Triggers

By thinking through your “ideal” reaction to a common trigger,you can loosen its grip and realize better outcomes.

For example, my client Alicia tended to get defensive when given feedback — it all felt to her like criticism. So her team stopped giving her feedback, which prevented Alicia from improving in her job. Once she became aware of her defensive tendencies, she looked for “somatic cues,” such as her face getting hot or her jaw clenching. She would then respond with a list of prepared, go-to questions like, “Can you tell me more?”

Just giving herself time to regroup and be open to feedback allowed her nervous system to calm down until her higher-level (less defensive) thinking came back online.

Manage Your Triggers

Just six seconds of oxygen through deep breaths allows your brain to get the message that the threat is not real. So learn to temporarily disengage from your thoughts and feelings when you feel triggered. Simply telling yourself “time out!” puts space between your reaction and response, allowing you to step back and respond with higher-level thinking.

You may also find that sharing your known triggers with a trusted friend is an effective way to identify and manage them.

Don’t Pull the Trigger

Many of us are not even aware of how we feel or why we react a certain way when confronted with a given situation. So it’s not surprising that we get hooked by our emotions and respond poorly.

But leaders who can get a handle on their triggers — by naming them, preparing for them, and managing them — are better able to manage challenging situations, whether that’s a difficult colleague, a basement reptile, or something in between.