Strong Leaders Know How to Listen
I had coffee yesterday with my friend Anne. We’ve known each other for many years and we try to get together whenever we can.
As for what we talk about, well, pretty much everything. Family, work, politics, education… whatever is in the news or happens to come up. There’s no plan and we are never at a loss for things to chat about.
Yesterday, though, was a little bit different. I’ve been grappling with a work-related challenge for a few weeks (don’t ask, you don’t want to know) and I just haven’t been able to sort it out on my own. So I told Anne about it.
She was extremely helpful. Not just in guiding me to untangle the many threads involved and options available, but also in doing it in such a way that by the time we said goodbye, I felt more optimistic and energized about the situation than I had in weeks.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised — I’ve known for a long time that listening is Anne’s special gift (more on that in a bit).
But as I drove back to my office, it occurred to me how unusual it is — in both our personal and business lives — to speak with someone who really, truly, listens attentively and helpfully.
Why Are Most of Us So Bad At This?
Statistically speaking, of course, we can’t all be “below average” listeners — but it can sure feel that way.
And even though it’s something each of us has done for our entire lives and continues to do every day, it often seems that while there’s a lot of hearinggoing on, there’s not a great deal of listening.
Why? There are many possibilities, such as…
We’re busy and distracted by our own thoughts and needs
We’re problem-solving instead of listening
We “know the answer” already
We have low impulse control
We don’t have time
We lack empathy
We’re bored
Why Does It Matter?
Strong listening skills are an essential aspect of what it takes to be an effective leader:
People feel recognized. When you give someone your full attention in a conversation — not checking text messages, not reading emails during a team video call, not multi-tasking, etc. — they feel seen and appreciated. Not only are you modeling good behavior, you are making people feel better about themselves.
People feel engaged. Having a manager who listens is a top driver of employee engagement and well-being. That matters — the whole point of being a leader is to get work done through other people. Why decrease the chances of doing this well? Engaged employees are more productive and proactive, and likely to stay longer.
People feel connected. Active listening is an investment in building trust, collaboration, and psychological safety. Doing this well helps build stronger relationships. As a bonus, being in a supportive environment also drives engagement levels.
Contrast those benefits with the approach of my client Michael (not his real name). His 360 feedback suggested his listening skills were negatively impacting those around him. As I observed him in meetings, I noticed he spent much more time giving his opinion than asking questions. When he did ask, he wouldn’t allow colleagues a chance to finish their thoughts before interrupting and jumping back in.
The sad thing is that Michael was passionate about the company and the work he and his team were doing. But no one wanted to partner with him because of his impulsive and pushy behavior.
Become a Better Listener
As I think about my friend Anne and why she’s such a good listener, a few key things come to mind. Note that none of these require some magical, innate skill or years of training. These are things we can all do, right away, to improve.
She hears me out.
When speaking with Anne, I never get the impression she is waiting for me to finish, just so she can have a turn to speak. She looks me in the eye, asks lots of clarifying questions, and doesn’t interrupt. She even makes regular, pleasing “uh huh” sounds as I talk, to reinforce that she is paying attention.
She plays my words back to me.
Not every word, of course, just the key elements of whatever I’m sharing. For example, she might say something like, “So, it sounds like you think person X is trying to….”
This shows she’s listening and helps me feel heard. It also helps clarify my thoughts because I then respond to her playback, ensuring that what she is hearing is aligned with what I believe I am saying.
Sometimes, just hearing her repeat what I said helps me realize the flaw in my point of view or the obvious insight I had been overlooking.
She puts herself in my shoes.
Even when she doesn’t agree with me, she tries to see things from my point of view. And believe me, Anne is no pushover — she spent many years as a defense attorney and sees through the self-serving BS.
But her pushback is not argumentative and it only comes after she has given me space to air my thoughts.
Let’s Raise the Listening Bar
As leaders, taking the time to really listen creates the type of environment we all want to work in — one where people feel respected, valued, and motivated to contribute best efforts.
The good news is that developing your listening skills doesn’t require complex strategies; the simple practices described above can make a noticeable difference immediately.
P.S. For a quick assessment of your current listening skills, check out Thrive’s Listening Skills Check In, here.