Please Stop Avoiding Conflict

Last year, we moved from a farm to a house in the county seat. It never dawned on us that our dogs would take off into the street at every opportunity! We definitely didn’t worry about that when we lived in the country — a fence was their only hope.

We share a common strip between our house and our neighbor. She is an avid gardener, so you can just imagine how she would feel about us putting a fence line through her beautiful flowers.

I certainly did, which is why I avoided the conversation for weeks! Every time I saw her, I would think of a reason not to bring it up.

Eventually, the dog situation could no longer wait; I took a chance and risked a conversation. Guess what? She could not have been nicer. We offered to move or replace any flowers she wanted to another area of her garden. She still talks to me!

So many of us struggle with conflict. It can bring up a lot of unpleasant emotions and images — people yelling, pointing, angry faces, furrowed brows. So we avoid it at all costs.

In a business context, our fear of conflict may mean delaying difficult conversations, sidestepping constructive feedback, or biting our tongue if it means sharing our (possibly unpopular) point of view in a team meeting. None of these things improve either the situation or the relationship.

Conflict Avoidance Causes Problems

I have had many coaching sessions with senior leader clients who are frustrated by how little gets decided in team meetings, despite how much time is spent. No one wants to be the bad guy or raise objections that may make someone else uncomfortable.

The reasons are many…

What if I am wrong?
What if nobody cares what I think?
What if by speaking up I damage a relationship?
What if I take the group off track and people are unhappy with me as a result?

But going around in circles takes time! Essential topics stay in the shadows or get skirted around. When issues go unspoken, productivity is negatively impacted. For example, if I know IT is going to miss another deadline that will affect my team but I hesitate to bring it up, I am kicking the can down the road where it will inevitably get bigger.

Further, conflict avoidance in public leads to griping and sniping in private — a group of unhappy campers who form an “out group.” It may start up innocently enough, but eventually, this disgruntled band ends up with secret, in-meeting signals to one another. Others stop feeling safe, resentments spread, and even less gets done.

But the main reason avoiding conflict is bad is because it prevents us from making the best decisions. How can we if we haven’t heard from key team members or if all relevant concerns and insights have not been raised?
 
In reality, honest, respectful debate moves things forward. Continuous harmony is unrealistic and, frankly, too hard to maintain. And it doesn’t allow for differing opinions, which is one of the key benefits of working together as a team.

Dip Your Toe in the Conflict Waters

It is unlikely that you (or your team) will move from complete conflict avoidance to productive and enjoyable conflict-filled discussion in one step. So don’t set the bar that high; just work to move in that direction:

  • Share your intentions. If you are the team leader, be open about the importance of honest discussion. Explain why conflict is valuable and state your commitment to creating a team environment in which people feel safe to share their opinions, risk saying hard things, and hold each other accountable.

  • Establish a framework. Work together to create structures and agreed upon methods that invite contrary points of view. It is easier to navigate disagreements constructively when everyone knows the “rules.” For example, maybe your team agrees that on key decisions you will hear from everyone and no one will get more than five minutes until each person shares.

  • Raise your self-awareness. Reflect on the situations and people that tend to trigger strong reactions in you (e.g., anger, fear, frustration). Then develop some go-to strategies to minimize reactivity. Consider exploring your conflict style with a tool like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). This 15-minute, 30-question assessment provides information on your conflict style and ideas for refining your approach.

  • Take some chances. Risk saying more if you tend to hold back. If it’s a struggle at first, start with questions (you can prepare them in advance) instead of opinions. You might say, “I know there is going to be further information, but I want to share a concern I have over X.”

It’s a Journey, Not a Contest

Many of us just don’t know how to do conflict well; it can be very uncomfortable. So that leaves us with a few options — avoid it (common), do it badly (unfortunate), or work through the discomfort and build our ability to engage more fully.

Just keep in mind that asking questions, seeking clarification, sharing opinions, and even raising objections is not about waging a battle you must win. It’s about moving the work and the team forward as quickly and intelligently as possible.
 
Conflict is a tool. Everyone benefits when we learn to use it effectively!

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