5 Tools for When You're Triggered at Work
We’ve all experienced it - the colleague whose questions feel like an interrogation, being criticized without consideration of your efforts, not being appreciated for your contributions, being copied on hundreds of unnecessary emails, or the manager who talks over you in meetings. These seemingly small things at work can set us off and bring on an immediate negative response.
While our emotions and feelings aren't bad or wrong, our reactions when emotionally triggered can cause a fair amount of regret and have unintended consequences on those we lead. Our triggers are often learned at a young age and become ingrained, unconscious habits because our amydala (the part of the brain that senses threats) alerts us to similar things we experienced in the past. According to Doc Childre of the HeartMath Institute, “the amygdala stores patterns that get frozen in place by strong emotion.” Sometimes we are reacting in the present to something that happened years ago. The good news is you can build up resources for moments when you are triggered.
Strategies to Manage a Strong Reaction
Tool 1 - Bring mindfulness to charged situations by asking yourself:
What is really causing me to think, feel, or act this way? Is it your colleague’s questions or feeling that they are questioning your competence?
What might I be missing? What else may be going on?
What can I change about the way I am interacting with this person?
Tool 2 - Find empathy by pressing “pause.”
Take three deep breaths. Three is the magic number because it only takes six seconds of oxygen to send your amydala the message that there is not real danger. This lets your higher thinking come back online, so you have more time for a thoughtful response. Pay close attention to anger or frustration as it builds and try to understand the cause behind the “trigger.”
Tool 3 - Check in with your emotions.
In the book, Emotions Revealed, psychologist, Paul Eckman tells us that “emotions change how we see the world and how we interpret the actions of others.” So, if an interaction triggers a strong emotion in us, it’s likely that we will see the event through that lens and our narrative will be slanted in that way.
Recognizing when we feel angry, anxious, or just plain cranky can help us to alter our behavior. By increasing your own awareness of what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way, you’ll be more likely to see others’ perspectives and communicate with them adeptly.
Tool 4 - Pay attention to how the other person is reacting.
“Unlike our thoughts, our emotions are not private.” A person’s body language, facial expression, and tone of voice can provide much information. What can you learn through direct observation? Consider how your tone of voice and body language express how you are feeling. Can you find a way to mirror the other person’s concern, frustration, rejection (or whatever they are signaling) to let them know you understand where they are at this moment?
Tool 5 - Don’t make assumptions.
Although this sounds reasonable, when we are in the throes of a strong reaction, it is quite challenging so build up to this through practice. Play back what you hear from people, such as, “Tell me more” or “I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying.” Really listen to their responses instead of making assumptions. Make sure you truly understand what the other person is communicating by asking open-ended questions.
Once you become more aware of your common triggers, you can anticipate situations where they might occur and mindfully practice something new. We can all learn to step back and observe our thoughts and behaviors. Doing so helps us gain self-awareness and manage the habits and tendencies that get in our way. The next time you have a colleague who triggers a negative reaction, remember to start with the person you can most influence – yourself.