Enneagram: Take Emotional Triggers Off Autopilot
“Anna” is the Head of Human Resources at a software company. She is committed to developing people, building strong relationships on her team, and creating a positive work environment. Anna's direct report, Sarah, announced she is resigning in two weeks due to "limited career potential" in her current role. Upon hearing this news, Anna feels highly irritated, her heart starts racing, her throat constricts, and her face is hot. Anna is triggered! She has spent three years developing Sarah and ensures she works on projects that leverage her strengths and provide recognition for her efforts. "I can't believe she is quitting, after all the time I invested in helping her grow and succeed." Their exchange was heated, and Sarah left feeling misunderstood.
Triggers are emotional habits, usually unconscious and automatic reactions. As a leader's emotional intelligence grows, they can move from autopilot reactions to more mindful responses. This expanded awareness is often the result of self-inquiry and observation, in the moment, especially when we notice feelings of irritation, frustration, worry, and distress. Our emotions and feelings aren't bad or wrong, but our reactions when emotionally triggered can cause a fair amount of regret and negatively impact those we lead (or live with). Bringing curiosity to our responses is an excellent place to start.
Common Triggers by Enneagram Type
A big benefit of knowing what Enneagram personality type we lead with is that it quickly helps us identify several of our potential triggers and their reasons. Every human being has emotional reactions (e.g., anger when being cut off in traffic). However, each Enneagram type gets hooked by a particular habit of attention. And once caught, our energy follows that attention. Should that be thwarted, a strong emotional reaction is likely. Although most of us can be triggered by many things listed on the following chart, common triggers are experienced by each of the nine Enneagram types.
As an executive coach, I work with leaders to identify their Enneagram type and use this new self-knowledge to catch their reactions and behavior (both positive and negative) in the moment. In learning the Enneagram, we understand that our habitual thoughts and feelings unconsciously direct our attention and often our actions. But knowing about the Enneagram is not enough for behavior change. Changing behavior requires self-observation of our patterns, where our attention automatically goes, what hooks us, and what causes us to react. Enneagram teacher and Psychiatrist David Daniels taught that while self-observation can become easier with practice, it never becomes habitual. Continued curiosity and practice are required.
During my coaching engagement with Anna, she discovered that she leads with Enneagram Type Two. The focus of attention for Type Two leaders tends to be on other people's needs, maintaining relationships, and motivating others to reach potential. These are definite strengths people see in Anna most of the time, and they are essential factors in her success as a leader. However, her habit of focusing on others' needs and relationships makes it hard for Anna to separate her feelings from business and stay objective.
When Anna described the strong emotional reaction she felt over Sarah's resignation, I asked her to walk through the following self-observation practice to understand her reactivity better:
What sensations do I feel in my body? Anna noticed her heart was racing; she had a pain in her chest and a lump in her throat.
What emotions am I experiencing right now? Profound sadness; disappointment.
What caused me to react? Identify, specifically, what triggered me? Anna realized she felt completely unappreciated for her efforts to develop Sarah. She felt that Sarah had discarded their relationship, which was more significant than the job in Anna’s eyes.
How can I put this into words? "There's that feeling of rejection and being unappreciated again..."
In his book, Triggers, psychotherapist David Richo shares, "there is a connection between our triggers and what we need to work on in ourselves." Anna acknowledged that she felt unappreciated and rejected when Sarah resigned. Her ability to observe the pattern, the reaction, and the behavior that followed, opened the door to positive change. Anna started to notice her tendency to put other people's needs ahead of her own, care too much if people liked her, and show too much empathy at times, making it challenging for her to say hard things. Underneath this pattern, Anna recognized a deep-seated need to be appreciated and validated. With her heightened self-awareness, Anna began to better balance her people's needs with her own needs and the business. She realizes that her value is not dependent on how other people see her and that Sarah was never rejecting her as a person. She could finally see that striving to be what other people needed, at her own expense, was not necessary or healthy.
Practice a New Reaction to an Old Trigger
Once you are more aware of your common triggers, you can anticipate situations where they might occur and mindfully practice something new. Preparing yourself for a common trigger by thinking through your "ideal" reaction can loosen its grip and result in better outcomes. Anna is better prepared for instances that trigger her feelings of rejection, and she has learned to give herself time before responding negatively. She is in the habit of recognizing the onset of an emotional reaction, and she takes a few deep breaths to ground herself before answering.
Our knee-jerk reactions to challenging situations are well ingrained. These reactions will keep happening until we step back and look at them closely. The Enneagram can be an invaluable tool to understand what is motivating our behavior and our triggers. Continuing to observe your behavior in action, come off autopilot, and choose the best path forward will positively benefit you and your relationships.
