What You Don't Know about Yourself is HURTING You
Most of us are not as self-aware as we think. It is so much easier to see this about other people than ourselves. It is probably not hard to recall someone you work with who doesn't see how they are negatively impacting you or other people around them.
I once coached a talented, formidable sales leader named Phil. He rebuilt a struggling sales force decimated by product recalls and turnover. He quickly responded, took action, and strategically turned around the sales organization in his first 18 months on the job. But Phil had a fatal flaw. It was a complete blind spot until his CEO confronted him about it and suggested coaching. What Phil saw as holding people accountable with straight talk and direct feedback, frequently came off as bullying, controlling, and brutal honesty. Instead of maintaining the morale of his sales force, he wound up with constant retention issues, and his CEO had to handle “drama in the ranks.” Eventually, people stopped telling Phil about problems for fear of his short fuse. Good employees who felt so intimidated and beaten down by his treatment started leaving the company to take jobs in more hospitable settings. Phil was not having the impact on the company that he intended.
Phil is not alone. Most of our self-defeating patterns of behavior hide from us, and we like it that way. Human beings are hardwired to protect ourselves by resisting inputs that are not in line with our narrative. But this can hurt us! Holding up a mirror for leaders, like Phil, to look honestly at their behavior is fundamental to self-awareness.
The good news is that Phil wanted to reach his potential as a strong leader and was willing to do some genuine exploration to understand better how this big gap between his intentions and impact came about. He was easy to like, and I could see that his heart was in the right place. His presence was powerful, and I remember thinking I was relieved he didn't crush my hand when he shook it. He was quick to get started in our first coaching conversation, looked me straight in the eyes to say, “I think I've been bulldozing people unintentionally, and I'd like to figure out a better way to lead.” He told me he loved a challenge and never shied away from obstacles. Moving them out of the way was his superpower.
Three Ways to Raise Self-Awareness
1. Consider activities that promote self-reflection
During our executive coaching sessions, Phil was encouraged to pay closer attention to his behavior and motivation. To jumpstart this, he explored his Enneagram type and discovered he led with a Type Eight. The Enneagram personality insights quickly opened the door to greater awareness of how he overplayed his strengths of honesty, grit, bias for action, passion, and commanding presence. Instead, Phil sometimes came across as controlling, impulsive, dominating, and intimidating. More importantly (and much later in the process), he realized that an unconscious need to protect himself and others by acting strong and in control was motivating this behavior. Often, Type Eight individuals get the message that they have to be strong all the time and can never be weak or show their softer side. They shoulder so much and can even make it look easy, but they run the risk of wearing themselves (and everyone else) out. When not at their best, the armor they build-up leads to a tough, bold, and insensitive exterior.
Phil started to see how his need for control was showing up a lot! When he didn't get what he wanted, he felt angry. His directness and honesty about his point of view was more than some people could handle. He recounted stories where he was "forceful" or "intense," but received feedback he had been too much for people. He admitted he had made people cry at times. Confidentially, he acknowledged this made him feel awful. By learning more about his personality type, Phil noticed when he was trying to force things or control life. This self-awareness allowed him to PAUSE and consider an approach without aggression. Phil was off to a positive start!
2. Look through the lens of emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is incredibly useful for leaders and is a crucial predictor of work performance. The ability to detect, understand, and manage emotions enables leaders to influence others, make smarter decisions, and have better relationships. In reviewing his emotional intelligence self-assessment results, Phil realized some of his EQ skills were out of balance. Namely, he scored high in assertiveness, but his score in empathy was well below average. Phil was very comfortable communicating his feelings, beliefs, and thoughts confidently. He gave much less attention to how this behavior affected the people with whom he worked. As he reflected on his behavior, he became aware that at times, he was insensitive and less willing to listen to other people's perspectives when he "knew" his way was the "right" way. Phil sometimes crossed the aggression line and made unilateral decisions without buy-in.
Another EQ red flag for Phil was impulse control. Impulse control involves avoiding rash behaviors and decision making. Leaders with strong impulse control are composed and put the brakes on angry behavior. Problems in impulse control manifest with low frustration tolerance, impulsiveness, and loss of self-control. Phil’s bias for action often involved quick decisions based on instinct, but not data. For him, waiting for details felt painfully slow and often evoked emotional reactions. This insight helped Phil see the need to pause and document the pros and cons of alternatives before rushing into a decision.
3. Get feedback from other people
While we may not be aware of our blind spots, other people can easily see them. The goal is to uncover blindpsots early. Feedback from others is a useful tool in understanding how we are perceived.
360-degree feedback assessments are an essential part of many coaching and leadership development engagements because the feedback reveals the behaviors that positively and negatively impact others.
Phil invited his manager, peers, and direct reports to give him candid and confidential feedback. He was glad to see that his colleagues saw him as fearless, honest, driven, forward-looking, and smart. Raters shared how customers loved him, how quickly he understood what needed to be accomplished, and how he could say the hard things that others avoided.
He also received a powerful message that he seemed unaware of how his behavior influenced others. He heard that his impatience was palpable. His body language made it clear he was irritated when colleagues shared too many details or didn’t get to the point as quickly as he would like. Many comments alluded to Phil being physically intimidating with his tall stature, booming voice, and animated gestures. Phil’s inclination for healthy debate felt like unnecessary conflict to others.
If we can be open to the feedback we receive, it can lead to improvements and greater leader credibility. Phil embraced his feedback and responded with appreciation and a commitment to work on a few key developmental objectives: pausing, listening, and moderating his forcefulness. Over the remainder of our coaching engagement, Phil committed to these three goals. He set specific targets, held himself accountable, and asked for continuous feedback in these areas.
Self-Awareness Gives Us the Power of Choice
Few things are more important to leadership than self-awareness. It is how we know what works and what doesn’t work. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves (about ourselves) become ingrained and moving away from them requires that we challenge “our truth” as much as possible. If we stay on the path to self-awareness, new information comes in that we can process and use to enrich how we show up in the world.
As we become more self-aware and truly see the motivation behind our ingrained patterns of behavior, we open the door to choice. Choosing more effective ways of engaging with others leads to more success and more fulfillment. It also makes us a lot more enjoyable to work with.