Catch Negative Thoughts, Take Positive Action
Catching yourself when you are ruminating or beating yourself up is a powerful time-saving technique. Not only will this technique keep you productive, it will boost your optimism and forward momentum – even when challenges show up! Much of the time, we are not even aware we are saying negative things to ourselves. I call this, “going down the rabbit hole.” How we explain challenging events to ourselves is highly predictive of whether we will get discouraged or be encouraged to take positive action.
In executive coaching, we teach clients the three D’s (Distance, Dispute, and Distract) to return to a hopeful and resilient mindset despite setbacks. Gain distance by moving out of your head and into an objective observer role; dispute negative beliefs with reality testing; and distract yourself from unproductive ruminations with something neutral or positive.
Distance yourself from your thoughts.
We can only change what we can see! To reduce negative self-talk, put yourself in an “objective observer” role. Although you are not your thoughts, your thoughts greatly impact your emotions and corresponding behavior. Catching your destructive thoughts is the first step to reducing negative self-talk. How can you do that?
ABC is a time-tested practice to help catch yourself from going down the rabbit hole and bring inaccurate or destructive beliefs to the surface. Developed by Dr. Albert Ellis and adapted by Dr. Martin Seligman, ABC is a powerful tool for learning optimism.
ABC stands for:
Adversity:
Whatever challenging situation or setback you’re facing. For example, a disagreement with a colleague, a tough project, an important presentation.
Beliefs:
Your inner dialogue. What are you telling yourself about the situation? Not your feelings, just your thoughts (e.g., he/she doesn’t like me, I’m never going to get the hang of this, I’m a terrible presenter).
Consequences:
The result of your inner dialogue. How does your self-talk make you feel? How does your self-talk influence your action? For instance, does your self-talk energize you and motivate you to take positive action? Or does your self-talk discourage you and make you feel stuck or hopeless?
Let’s walk through contrasting examples to illustrate how actions can be affected by how we talk to ourselves.
Jim is a senior leader in a sales organization who is bracing for miserable first quarter revenue reports. One of Jim’s key product lines had a 15% drop in sales (adversity). He tells himself, “there’s no way to recover from this decline. I will probably lose my job” (beliefs). The way Jim explains this setback to himself has really important ramifications. His pessimistic self-talk leaves him feeling defeated. He is noticeably quiet during his team meeting and bumps his scheduled one-on-one meetings with his direct reports (consequences).
In contrast, Kerry is a sales leader in a rival organization. She also is experiencing a drop in first quarter revenues. Her sales have dropped 15% across the board (adversity). Kerry tells herself, “We just dealt with an unprecedented situation. The team stayed focused and communicated well under my lead at a tough time” (beliefs). Although she is disappointed by the short-term numbers, she commits to staying focused on the long-term plan and has faith things will improve. She decides to rally her team. Her optimistic, but realistic approach, motivates her to try her best to keep her team moving in a forward direction (consequences).
Jim’s pessimistic thinking left him dwelling on negative emotions that led to inaction. In psychology, we call this learned helplessness. Contrast his experience with Kerry’s. She objectively acknowledged the sales drop but realized that not all was lost. She saw the positive aspects of her team in a trying situation and recognized where she could take action to help herself and her team. Which leader is more likely to inspire you? Which leader is more likely to achieve results by the end of the year?
When you become aware of a negative inner dialogue, you have two good options to curb those beliefs: dispute them or distract from them. Remember, what you say to yourself determines what you will do next.
Dispute negative self-talk with reality testing
When coaching, one of the most powerful questions we can ask clients is, “Is that really true?” Reality testing skills are useful in objectively viewing a situation (rather than listening to an overly negative story we tell ourselves). In a challenging situation, you can ask yourself the same question, “Is this really true?” Consider past experiences where you were successful navigating a similar obstacle or setback. Write down the negative belief and note how you can factually dispute it. That’s right! Give yourself an argument and provide evidence against the negative belief when that is possible.
Distract yourself from unhelpful rumination
Stop yourself from going down the rabbit hole! Catch rumination or a racing mind by distancing or distracting yourself from your negative self-talk and worries. Here are a few suggestions:
To get out of your head, take 3 deep breaths. With each breath, focus on the in breath and then the out breath. You cannot pay attention to your breath and your thoughts at the same time. This brings you back to the present moment.
In his book, Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman suggests, snapping a rubber band on your wrist or splashing cold water on your face while saying, “Stop!”
Replace worry with positive action. For example, Mary spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about her child who was struggling with school. She would catch herself ruminating on all of the challenges he had with teachers, students, subjects and the likelihood of a less than satisfactory life ahead. She decided the worrying was unproductive and, instead, whenever she caught herself in a spiral of repetitive, negative thoughts, she would take a deep breath and force herself to think of a positive action she could take that would actually help him.
REMEMBER
The way you explain things to yourself when facing a setback affects both your frame of mind and your effectiveness. The good news is that shifting to more positive habits of thinking is possible and leads to better outcomes. The next time you experience a challenge at work, try using the three D’s to stop destructive self-talk so you can be energized and take action that moves you and the people you lead forward.