Your “Feedback Filter” Is Distorting What You Hear
I’ll just come right out and say it: I have a love affair with coffee.
Actually, I never drank coffee until I had my first child, who woke up at 5 am for six straight years. That’s when I got hooked and never looked back. By the time I had my third child, I could have been a barista at Starbucks.
I’m also one of those people who needs their coffee more or less immediately when they wake up (I’m not a morning person).
So, every night before I go to bed, I grind the beans and set up the morning brew. This way, I can wake to its heavenly aroma as I force my eyes open at the ungodly hour of 6:10 am.
Yesterday, I ran into a problem. 6:10 am arrived as usual… but no aroma.
Did I forget to hit the button? No, I did not. Instead, the coffee filter got clogged, causing the pot to back up and everything to shut down. After all these years together, you can imagine my feelings of outrage and betrayal!
As it turns out, coffee filters are not the only type that malfunction. Our mentalfilters — the lens through which we interpret the world — can also break down.When that happens, even neutral statements can be misread.
For example, when a colleague asks, Can we talk about how that meeting went? and you hear, You messed up.
Everything Is Filtered
None of us sees the world “as it is.” Rather, we each have a lens through which we interpret what’s happening around us. Feedback, in particular, is rarely heard at face value; it’s filtered through each person’s emotional wiring.
And while you can’t remove your lens (sorry), you can widen it by deliberately choosing to step back and take in more of the whole picture.
The Enneagram is a uniquely powerful tool in this regard. It helps us uncover what’s really being heard — and why. That’s because each Enneagram type has a different lens or focus of attention, all of which is shaped by a core motivation. This lens directs a lot of our behavior and the story we tend to tell ourselves.
The good news? If we understand our Enneagram type, we can learn to receive feedback without letting our natural filter distort the message.
Here are some examples of the way different Enneagram types (there are nine in total) filter incoming information and feedback:
Type 1s (The Perfectionist) often hear feedback as criticism of their integrity or competence, even when it’s constructive. Their filter says: You didn’t do it right.
Type 5s (The Observer) tend to detach emotionally and analyze feedback from a distance. Their filter says: I need more information before I can respond — and I’m not sure this is worth the energy.
Type 6s (The Loyal Skeptic) might question the motive behind the feedback. Their filter says, Can I trust what you’re saying — or you?
Understand Your Filter
Awareness of your filter is the first step. Growth begins when you engage with it. Here’s how…
#1. Name It
What’s the instinctive story you tell yourself when receiving feedback? For an Enneagram Type 3 (The Performer), it might sound like, I’m not successful enough, or They don’t see my value.
Then try to normalize your reaction: Of course I heard it that way, that’s just the way I am wired.
Your reaction isn’t random — it’s patterned. When we can name that story, we loosen its grip. We shift from being in the story to observing it. That’s powerful. Because once you can see it, you can start to choose a different response.
#2. Claim it
Ask yourself: What did I actually hear? How did it make me feel? What might be true that’s hard to accept?”
This interrupts the automatic response. When you pause to reflect, you move from reaction to reflection — and that’s where learning happens.
This step creates emotional distance between what was said and what you made it mean. It gives you space to explore what’s real, what’s distorted, and what’s useful.
#3. Reframe it
Reframing shifts us from self-protection to growth. Instead of asking, “Why are they saying this to me?” you begin to ask, “What’s the opportunity in this?”
Remember, feedback isn’t a verdict — it’s an invitation to grow. It’s where leadership transformation happens. Those who provide it are doing us a favor. Without it, we are stuck where we are, never knowing how the outside world views our behavior.
Own Your Filter
Just like my filter failed to give me the coffee I so desperately needed yesterday morning (let’s not harp on this), our mental filters can likewise have a negative impact on our ability to correctly interpret the feedback we are given.
But when we learn to recognize these inherent filters, we give ourselves the chance to pause, clarify, and respond with intention instead of instinct. It reminds us that feedback isn’t usually the problem — it’s our interpretation of the feedback that’s getting in the way.
That’s the real wake-up call.
(For a deeper dive into how each Enneagram type gives and receives feedback — including tone, focus of attention, and coaching tips — check out this Enneagram Communication and Feedback Guide.)