Less Judging, More Coaching
Last week, we bought a Lovesac sofa for our family room. If you’ve ever seen one of these, you know it’s basically a grown-up LEGO set: dozens of boxes, connectors, and covers. It looks deceptively simple — but it takes forever to build.
As I watched my husband, John, open box after box, I could feel my “judging brain” revving up: He should read the instructions first. He’s putting that piece on backwards. Do we really need two ottomans?
I hovered nearby, dropping not-so-subtle hints and “helpful” comments. Things like, “Are you sure that’s the right piece?”
In theory, my words were supportive. But my tone made it clear: You’re doing it wrong.
But here’s the thing: This was John’s third time building a Lovesac sofa. I really had no reason to doubt him — or to make him feel judged.
We Are Wired to Judge
We’ve all been there — thinking we know best and drifting into unsolicited advice or subtle critiques, rather than trusting someone who’s perfectly capable.
In leadership and coaching, this happens all the time. We watch someone attempt something new or unfamiliar and Mr./Ms. Judgment is right at the door, ready to step in, take over, and save the day.
So why is it so hard to hold our judgment (and our tongues)? Because we have evolved not to. Our brains are in the business of making snap judgments — Is this safe? Is this risky? Quick assessments helped our ancestors survive.
This same tendency continues today. We instinctively decide whether something is right or wrong, good or bad, smart or foolish — often within seconds.
Add to that the speed with which our brains process information — we are capable of thinking four times as fast as people speak — and there is plenty of time for us to develop alternatives and options.
Even before the other person has finished talking, we have already begun judging. We nod while our inner voice critiques. We half-listen while mentally rewriting what should be done instead.
And in that moment, we stop coaching — we’re just waiting to correct or advise.
The Purpose of Coaching: Not to Fix, But to See
Effective coaching — the kind that facilitates insight and growth — isn’t about fixing people… it’s about seeing and hearing them. Listening to learn helps a coach understand the world from the other person’s perspective.
When we coach well, we create a space where people feel safe enough to share honestly, think out loud, make mistakes, and test ideas they haven’t fully formed yet. They trust us not to correct or assess them for not having it all figured out.
It’s within that backdrop of trust and nonjudgment that real growth happens. Under those circumstances, people are far more likely to be open, vulnerable, and willing to change.
They don’t need us to solve their problems — they need us to help them think creatively and take ownership of their next step.
Curiosity Over Judgment
If you’re judging, you’re not coaching. So, what do you do when your brain wants to jump in?
Notice the judgment. Catch yourself: Am I really listening, or am I rehearsing my “fix”?
Pause and get curious. Shift from “What’s wrong with this?” to “What’s really going on here?” Ask open questions. Listen for what’s not being said.
Stay fully present. Quiet your thinking speed. Match your pace to theirs. Keep your focus on their words, tone, and body language.
Hold the space for ownership. Remember: your goal is not to have the answer — it’s to help them find it. Resist the urge to step in with quick fixes.
Trust them to figure it out. My husband didn’t need me hovering over his shoulder to build a couch. Most people don’t need us micromanaging their growth, either. They need us beside them, not above them.
Lean Into Trust
When we resist our natural urge to judge and instead lead with genuine openness and curiosity, we empower others to discover their own solutions.
Whether it’s a coaching conversation with someone on your team, a colleague navigating a complex workplace challenge, or a spouse assembling a piece of furniture, people thrive when truly seen and heard.