Emotions! Who Needs Them?
(Hint: You do – especially if you lead others.)
Last week, I was alerted to a mysterious charge on my credit card. So I called customer service to report it.
After several attempts, I finally got through to what I think was a human. I’m not sure, since I was asked the same questions, in the same monotone voice, multiple times. Have you ever purchased anything from XXX? Do you remember giving anyone your credit card for a purchase from XXX?
Finally I had enough and said, “I have answered these same questions five times! I don’t know anything about this purchase!”
I felt exasperated. Despite that, my customer service friend had zero change in affect and, as if he were a robot said, “We understand your concerns Mrs. Hoffman and we want to take care of this issue.” Hmm? I wasn’t feeling that… at all!
Compare this to a recent interaction I had with a customer service representative at Chewy. I had ordered some highly-rated chew toys for my two golden retrievers. I mean, they were peanut butter-scented, so what’s not to love?
But… my dogs wouldn’t go within two feet of them. Not interested in the least!
But in this case, the lovely gentleman on the customer service line laughed along with me about how amazing it was that they would snub peanut butter-scented anything!
Then, not only did he credit me for the unloved toys, but he also suggested I donate them to a local dog shelter. I hung up the phone feeling great about this interaction and glad to be a Chewy customer.
So, what was the difference between the two experiences? During the Chewy interaction, emotions were matched! Emotional expression was genuine! I felt understood.
As a leader (or customer service rep), it may seem easier for people to just leave their emotions at the door. After all, business is about getting things done efficiently, right?
But emotions are not optional. They are baked into what it means to be human and play an important role in every encounter.
What’s the Point of Emotions?
Paul Ekman, a leading researcher on emotions, explains that emotions are our built-in alarm and action system, something that has evolved to our advantage over millennia.
More specifically, emotions provide…
Community.
They help us bond with other people and form trusting relationships. In evolutionary terms, there is strength in numbers; for safety, humans need to be part of a pack or group. Beyond that, feelings like joy, love, and affection bring people together. Even difficult emotions like grief or fear encourage people to rally around us.
Survival.
Emotions alert us when something important is happening and prepare our bodies to respond, whether that’s a racing heart when we’re scared or a smile when we feel joy. And they move us to act quickly — snake! — often before we even have time to think.
Decision-Making.
Research by neuroscientist Antonio Damasio shows that without emotions, people can reason through choices — but can’t actually decide. Emotions act as a compass; they give us the spark to act. Without them, we’d stay stuck in endless analysis.
Emotions Help Leaders Have Greater Impact
Emotions are powerful signals — data you can use. Positive ones show you things are working well; negative ones signal something’s off.
That means you need to stop seeing negative emotions as the enemy — they are valuable clues. Frustration or disappointment often points to unmet needs. Left unchecked, negative emotions can sneak up on you and lead to regretful behavior, pulling people apart.
That’s why self-awareness is essential — knowing which emotion you’re feeling and why. Naming it gives you the power to manage it, rather than letting it manage you.
One more thing. Our emotions don’t stay private (even when we think they do). They ripple out. A leader’s good mood can lift an entire team, sparking collaboration and creativity. Likewise, stress or frustration from the leader can shut people down without a single word spoken.
Tools to Help Build Emotional Self-Awareness
Here are two of my favorite EQ (Emotional Intelligence) tools for leaders:
The EQ-i 2.0 measures a range of emotional intelligence skills, including emotional self-awareness and the ability to recognize your emotions in real time and understand their impact.
The Emotion Wheel (also called the Feelings Wheel) complements the EQ-i 2.0 by helping leaders move beyond vague labels like “stressed” or “fine,” to pinpoint exactly what they’re feeling.
Leaders who use these tools build the awareness to pause, choose their response, and set the tone with intention.
Ignore Emotions at Your Peril
Ultimately, my credit card rep “handled” the issue. But he did it without any real connection. It felt robotic and frustrating.
My Chewy friend, on the other hand, left me feeling better about the company than if I had never encountered a problem in the first place.
As a leader, you can’t afford to disengage from your team. A little empathy or emotional expression can turn a small (or huge!) annoyance into a moment of trust. And it’s those moments that people remember.