Wait! Don’t Follow That Impulse

I’ll just come right out and say it: I am a sucker for jelly donuts!

And the best donuts I have ever eaten are sold at an amazing Amish Farmers’ Market near where I live in West Chester. I go to the market every month or so to explore the stands of cheese, meat, veggies, desserts, and more.

Some days, I find it easy to walk past the long, quick-moving donut line. But other times, I hop in with everyone else and buy a half-dozen… “for my family.”

The first challenge is waiting to get home before eating one.

But even if I pass that test and make it to my kitchen, I end up staring at them for a while. Eventually, I cut one in half and eat that. And sooner or later, no matter how many times I cut off pieces, I finish the entire thing!

But here’s the kicker: sugar and I are not good friends! I ALWAYS end up feeling terrible afterwards.

So, why do I buy a donut in the first place?

It’s because sometimes I have poor impulse control. As an Enneagram Type 2, I am moved by feelings c especially positive ones. And few things cause more positive feelings for me than a good jelly donut.

Thankfully, over recent months, I have learned to employ a few jelly-donut-defense techniques…

For starters, I don’t go to the farmer’s market when hungry. I wouldn’t stand a chance. I make sure to eat a good breakfast first.

Next, I enter the market from the other side, so I don’t pass the donut stand on my way in. Let’s face it, just a waft of the donut stand and I’m like Odysseus and the Sirens. Someone hold me back!

Don’t Show Up Unprotected

In a work context as well, most of us have a collection of “jelly donut” triggers – things that cause us to react emotionally. This response is not dysfunctional, but our reaction might be.

For example, let’s say Mike, the company CFO, tends to act like a jerk in your monthly senior leadership meetings. You may experience a predictable set of responses — a feeling of anger, a flushed neck, a knot in your stomach.

Your response to this perceived threat is normal and your body is reacting accordingly. But that doesn’t mean you need to follow your first impulse and be a jerk, too.

First, because it is almost always unproductive. Second, because as a leader, you want to model the type of behavior you’d like others to follow. If you yell at other people when you are angry (for example), not only are you killing morale, but you are also signaling that this is the way we handle conflict in the organization.

So, what is a decent human being to do?

1. 1. Know your triggers.

2. Make a list of your familiar, often-repeated triggers. Name them. Then be on the lookout for them so you are not caught off guard.

3. 2. Notice your emotions.

4. Are you pounding on the keyboard as you type an email response? Does your heart race whenever you get in a conversation with a particular person? Awareness is at the heart of impulse control.

5. 3. Pause.

6. Triggering pushes our amygdala into high gear. Our higher-level thinking can go offline and our ability to make good decisions goes out the door. So, put yourself in a “time out” by counting to 10 (do it backwards for extra umph). Just a few deep breaths lets your amygdala know that the threat is not real, allowing your rational self to get back on track.

7. 4. Prepare.

8. If you know Mike will be in the meeting, and the last five times he took aim at you, ask yourself: “How do I want to show up in this meeting?” Or, “For this meeting to be productive, what would have to happen?”

9. By thinking ahead about how you would like to respond — rather than simply acting on impulse — you give yourself a fighting chance of coming out unscathed.

10. 5. Look for the humor.

11. It can be hard to laugh when we are really upset. But if you try, you will probably be able to spot something humorous — maybe even laughing on the inside at your initial reaction or something devilish you’d like to say (but won’t).

It's Really All About Regret

Acting on impulse often leads to a fair amount of regret. So you need to take charge of your impulse control — to realize that you are being triggered before you go down a path that you will later be sorry about.

Self-aware leaders have the ability to respond rather than react. It takes a little bit of practice and preparation, but by increasing your awareness, you’ll find that you act less on impulse and with more deliberate action.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go eat a good breakfast before heading off to the farmers' market!